Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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