your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
