apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
