this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
