Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
