She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
