Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
