All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
