i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
