I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
