Cold hands, warm shart.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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