your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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