theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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