Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
