I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
