Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
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