Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
