Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
