soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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