got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
