Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
