Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
