they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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