I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Do you remember whose house we're in?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
