So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
