you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
