I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
