Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
