I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
