Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
