while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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