I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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