i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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