dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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