I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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