I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
