Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
