The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
