Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
