im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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