Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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