oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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