sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
