I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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