The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
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