i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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