I have demons in me.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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