I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
