You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
