Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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